Still In LOVE...

He will always make me smile :)

Ok so it's been a hard past couple, well 6 months for the 2 of us. Our faith and marriage had been truly tested, and I feel like we've been together for sooo long (coming up on 12yrs), it was that much more difficult when we weren't getting along. We almost felt as tho we were growing apart. Not a lot of people realize how tuff it is getting married at such a young age! Me and Pulu were married at 17, and it was to say the least VERY HARD! There were times when we didn't know if we married for the right reasons, there were times where we felt we missed out on a lot of life opportunities, there were times when we were soo happy, very in love, and couldn't imagine life apart. But I think when you are that young, you don't really know what you want. So these past 6 months had been a strenuous test of our love, our faith in our marriage, and ultimately a question of "Are you Happy?" and "Are we in love?" There was NO doubt I loved Pulu as a father, a person, a loyal husband...but was I in love? If u know me, you know I NEVER talk about our marriage, but I feel like it's important to be honest in my feelings, and if it helps anyone else then I would like to be honest and share our experience.
6 months ago, I started feeling & noticing I was very closed. I was always so open with Pulu about how I felt right then and there...but something had changed. I started becoming very private, introverted, and to myself. He didn't seem to notice, but then I started analyzing his EVERY action. Breaking it down piece by piece..what was he doing, what was he NOT doing, why was he doing this, and NOT doing that..where did he go, and for how long?...Why did he have a life, and I was stuck carrying all the burden of cooking, cleaning, working, tending to the kids, shopping, etc..Pulu still didn't seem like he noticed how introverted I had become. These thoughts of mine turned into something I call "RESENTMENT FEELINGS" I started to resent working, being a full time "single" parent, I started hating that he had friends, and that he had hobbies, and that he was so busy in his calling...where was I in his life? Still Pulu had no idea of how I felt. Yet the animosity and resentment started growing more and more in my heart. It got to a point where I thought, "It's ok Anna you can live in unhappiness for the sake of your kids." These thoughts were killing me. I wanted badly for Pulu to be the man I always thought he could potentially be. Was I living in a dream world? lol..I kinda think I was. My imaginary man didn't exist, only in the movies (Notebook Noah haha) Anyways I held onto that dream and I STILL kept that hidden in my closed heart. FINALLY the day came where I had had ENOUGH, something triggered an argument between Pulu and I and I was INFURIATED, all of a sudden my true feelings surfaced. It was sooo HURTFUL to Pulu, and he was totally devastated to say the least. He felt like a failure as a husband for not knowing his wife was unhappy, he felt like he was gonna lose me, he felt betrayed and angry. I didn't blame him for feeling all that he felt, but still I RESENTED him for all the feelings I felt that "he" made me feel. I felt it was Pulu's fault. I felt that he was the cause of my feelings, and I felt that he should look at how he had treated me throughout the years and know he is the only one to blame. I sent Pulu this email it put things perfectly into perspective by Ezra Taft Benson:
"In latter-day revelation the Lord speaks again of this obligation. He said, 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' (D&C 42:22). To my knowledge there is only one other thing in all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God Himself. Think what that means! . . .

"What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion. Surely when you love your wife with all your heart, you cannot demean her, criticize her, find fault with her, or abuse her by words, sullen behavior, or actions.
"What does it mean to 'cleave unto her'? It means to stay close to her, to be loyal and faithful to her, to communicate with her, and to express your love for her. "Love means being sensitive to her feelings and needs. She wants to be noticed and treasured. She wants to be told that you view her as lovely and attractive and important to you. Love means putting her welfare and self-esteem as a high priority in your life."
This is exactly how I feel....

After this email, it seemed as though Pulu agreed, and could see. Usually it takes something like a spiritual quote, or talk at church for Pulu to realize where I'm coming from. The hardest thing for Pulu and I was COMMUNICATION! We didn't really talk about our feelings towards one another, or when we were hurt, or angry, because I felt as tho Pulu always thought we were arguing. And I hated feeling like my feelings weren't being recognized and that's when I started becoming introverted, I believe. So anyway to make this long story short. WE FINALLY around 1am one night were lounging on the couch watching t.v., kids were sleeping, and I felt this strong urge to tell Pulu how I felt and to FIX our never ending communication problem we've had throughout our whole marriage. I am so glad I listened to the spirit and I knew the Lord could tell that this was the end of the road for me. He knew my desire and my heart, and he heard my plea. That talk started out so rocky between Pulu & I, and him blaming me for this and that, and me doing the same, and then somehow I was able to turn it around and it was almost like it wasn't me talking at times. I really felt the Lord was helping me to say the right things, to talk to Pulu in a way that wasn't demeaning or coming from a place of anger and resentment. We ended up talking and figuring things out about one another we forgot. We fell IN LOVE again that night just from talking about how we fell in love. We laughed, I cried, we looked at one another, and we knew EXACTLY why we got married. I married Pulu because he loves me, and always has! He has never stopped, and although I have questioned my love for him, his love NEVER NOT ONCE WAVERED from ME. We did this to ourselves, we started comparing, and blaming, and not realizing how much we enjoy one another, and how much we have in common, and how much we truly love our children, and most of all the LORD for bringing us together, and for blessing us with a family that he entrusted us to raise as companions and to do a good job! We didn't sleep, we stayed up til 5:42am, slept for a few hours and got up when the kids got up. It was AMAZING. I am so happy and grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping us rekindle that old flame. I'm grateful to my husband for being open minded and for always loving me. I'm grateful to all my friends and family who have supported me during this trial in my life...and there were really only a select few I told. I know that if we do our part in saving our marriage, that the Lord will do the rest. He has showed me countless times that he is always there for me, if I will but ask of him! Marriage is hard, but it's soo worth it. I hope if anyone is going thru an unbearable time in their lives that they will trust in the Lord, do their part in trying to make things work, and then patiently waiting for the Lord to do the rest. He works wonders and I feel it now. I'm so inlove with my husband, and I'm so happy we are communicating as lovers do :)



For time & All Eternity